BEFORE I BLOW OUT THE CANDLE LIGHTS

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It’s my birthday and I want to share my wish with all of you. Now this may not be what you will be expecting but at least for once it is what I actually, really want. Not what someone thinks I should have? Not what I wish I should have based on some other person’s idea of the ideal things I need in my life. This is my suffering. This is my yearning. This is borne out of my trials.

Many of you are blessed with good vision. You’re on a bus and you can read information on a billboard ahead with ease. You’re at the back seat of a bus and you can identify the features of the little boy on the front seat easily and this seems so routine to you, it would almost seem absurd to believe any hardwork ever goes into it, if it’s even something to be thankful for. Goodnews is, this is totally understandable. Yet….

BE GRATEFUL. TRY TO

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For the past six years I’ve shuffled between helplessness and depression and utter sadness over the state of my eyes. I think I can largely attribute it to the comments I get over my condition. Older people finding it amusing considering my age, most of the times some comments make it appear as though I had a choice and i jumped all over eyes that had “big issues”, my friends taking my spectacles from me with hopes that I may stumble while I walk or to check just how “bad” it is really.one time while getting snacks with a “used-to-be-sweetheart”, he took my lens from me and asked that I check which item was on the second shelf on the left from where we were standing. This was embarrassing as much as it was sad for me. I never told him this but I shed some tears over this (i’m sure he was just being playful). And worst, worst, worst, of all, being cheated because when you wear a spectacles in this section of the world, you are placed between two ideals; wealthy or intelligent(which doubles up as “you know nothing about grocery shopping), so an item that goes for less will be sold to you for triple the amount. I’ve had several experiences and it’s been tough, this journey.

In a lecture room, my emotions sail through the teaching style of the lecturer, his/her sense of humor, to my colleagues, who in their “all so perfect set of eyes” read in comfort beautifully from the projector, smiling as they do so because their friend on the left or right said something funny. In the lecture room, I can’t afford to smile at anything funny (if I do however, it lasts the briefest you’d ever find). The clock ticks at my expense. I do not HAVE THE LUXURY OF TIME. Because for me, I channel about double or triple the average time and energy needed to fully recognize or perceive an image where the white board is.

I hate i can’t make out images without my lens.sometimes i try to be normal again but that makes me feels worse, reality is really something else. I take off my lens and images ahead are just shapeless shapes in sizes….and i….well its just makes me feel uncomfortable

Sometimes it gets unbearable i wish i wasn’t alive. I don’t want to wish that i wasn’t alive so i pray for strength on this day

I hate that I cannot do without visual aids

I hate that I’d have to protect my eyes from rays

I hate that I’d have to place the 3d glasses over another set of glasses at the movies

I hate that if you wanted to be cute and cover my eyes from behind hoping I’d mysteriously make out your identity,  it’d be thwarted by my anxieties because you wouldn’t be touching my eyes you’re covering my lens. Your hands are all over my lens

I want to smile all the time, genuinely. If you have ever seen me smile or heard me laugh it is very likely that outburst was from my heart only if I didn’t have my lens on. I AM NEVER HAPPY WITH MY LENS ON. I walk through life on sharpened edges. I have never smiled or laughed genuinely with my lens on

I am never free

And I am quite tired

So if wishes ever come true, I wish my eyes get healed. I wish I’d never have to do with a visual aid of any kind in a day soon to come. I deeply wish. This wish may be the wish of many other people but one I know of is Jason, my twin brother. My wish for Jason and myself on the day we become a year older is to be blessed with better eyesight

AND I WISH SAME FOR MY BABIES AND HIS BABIES

AND FOR EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD

AND I PRAY IF THE EXTRAORDINARY FAILS TO REACH US, MAY WE GAIN STRENGTH TO ACCEPT AND FEEL COMFORTABLE IN OUR OWN SKIN REGARDLESS.

LOVE YOURSELF, APPRECIATE OTHERS! ESSY SCRIPTS A YEAR OLDER!

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