Someone I’ve been dreaming about each night lately, once told me that I have more than enough pictures for a 100 blog posts if I really want to write them. So I write this post of how I truly feel about the events that has happened in my life these passed 53 days and hope I don’t cry myself to bed afterwards.

I have never had an overwhelming workload like I have had this semester. School has been tough and exciting and annoying and depressing. And I have seen myself change with the load. My anxieties and hopes.
Yesterday, I walked with a couple of my friends to write an examination we have prepared steadily for. One that thoughts of could shake me out of slumber startled and get me asking myself, “what are you doing? Whiling away time?”. And so we prepared, read, discussed, solved past questions and ultimately believed that the worst could be faced squarely on our answer booklets.
So on our way, one of my friends said that he’d be content with a ‘B’, “I mean if I am able to solve and correctly score all marks in the multiple choice questions and the fill-ins, I only need a few marks from the essays and I’m good”. As much as this sounded so true and correct to me, I thought the possibility of ticking correct answers for all multiple choice questions and correct answers for the fill-in questions was not far-fetched. What moved me to realize what all of this really has been about for me was how he quickly added, “I just want to graduate”. If I was Ifemelu, a character that I so much identify with in a book that has so easily worked it’s way almost effortlessly, into becoming my favorite-AMERICANAH-I would have heard the words, “well….I don’t ‘just’ want to graduate”, and realize they defeated my consciousness and just grew out of my mouth, out of desperation! And I couldn’t help it! Instead, I muttered those to myself, in my head. I didn’t know what this struggle was but now I know that “I don’t just want to graduate”. Whether this is a bad thing or not I do not know. What I do know is the kind of person it has transformed me into. Normally transformation is used when talking about positive changes but I doubt my quest to not “just graduate” has changed me for the better. It has changed me for the worst and taught me terrible lessons about myself and I hate it!

So after an exam I dread all the questions I could have answered better.
Fixate on how I could have spent more time to attend to certain points during preps
Basically just get anxious over grades because I “just don’t want to graduate”
I want more than just graduating,
The best class
To see happy smiles and laughter (elements that would inevitably be present, best class or not)
This quest has heightened an already existing weakness of fixation, especially on those events I have no control over because they are gone, like rain as it drops on an umbrella, lazily sliding through to the ground never to go up to the top of the umbrella from the ground. But rains do come down, and they will. So if it doesn’t climb right back up, fresh possibilities will fall from the skies.

Clouds forming around the Department of Botany
Clouds forming around the Department of Botany

Often we focus too much on the possibility of the rain drop from the ground coming back onto the umbrella with hopes of channeling the direction as it slides down -a possibility that is essentially an impossibility- that we forget about the new ones that would fall and possibly go through the same process, granting us the chance to manipulate it for our own gain.
I’d hold on to that possibility, in the mean time, I hope you do so too


Picture credit: yours’ truly (taking a bow) ??


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